How to be the authentic man or woman (that I am) in a relationship... continued

Example of Sarah and John

This is a fabulous example of what literally happens on a daily basis. I like personal examples because it is always easier to appreciate the lesson when it is someone else's experience because we don't feel the struggle of our own emotions trying to stop us seeing the light.

Sarah complained that she didn't like the way John treated her, she said that he rarely "did anything nice" for her. She didn't feel like a woman at all. She complained that he never brought her flowers or did anything really caring for her. She said life lacked lustre with him. If she washed the dishes he compained she used too much water. If she offered to make the bed in the morning (they had not moved in together yet), he said that she didn't make it the way he liked.

I gave Sarah an exercise to do and told her that it would heal the situation and bring to his attention his critical, unreasonable behaviour in a way that left her not pointing the finger at him.

She listened.

John was actually renovating a house fifteen minutes up the road from her and so I suggested that she do something that she is great at and visit him with a gorgeous hamper with lunch, a nice wine and a great coffee. I suggested that when she arrived she greeted him lovingly and offered to help him. I suggested that she start by seeing if there were any dishes to clean up in the kitchen.

She started with her answer (even though she hadn't even visited yet!)...

Sarah: "If I wash the dishes he will probably complain that I am using too much water"

Me: "So quietly stop, say OK and then offer to sweep up"

Sarah: "He will probably say that I am raising too much dust"

Me: "So offer to put out some rubbish or tidy up for him"

Sarah:"He will probably say that he has his own way of working and he will do it himself"

Me: "So smile sweetly, say OK and find a space and open the picnic basket, get lunch going and the coffee going and invite him to have some lunch".

Sarah: "He will probably say he doesn't have time for lunch"

Me: "So enjoy the lunch yourself, pack up, kiss him and tell him that you can see he is busy and perhaps it's best you go and you will see him later".

I assured her that by this time, he will feel his own negativity. He will have realised that you were being 'nice' to him and perhaps he was being unreasonable.

Some time passed and though I met Sarah she still had not done this even though I knew (and she agreed she could see) that it would make a difference.

After six months passed I confronted her. I asked her why she had not done this exercise when she only had to go 15 minutes up the road, had the time, loved putting together meals and being a hostess?

There was a long silence and she could see that I was not moving on until she found out why she wouldn't do this.

Finally she admitted the truth that "I don't want to do anything nice for him!". I reminded her that this is the reason why he 'never did anything nice' for her. I reminded her that we have to give what we want back and that the relationship would stay the same energetically until this 'feeling' was resolved.

There are so many problems in family life these days which has their roots in this key behaviour. Too many relationships are breaking up because people are quitting. The sad thing is that the relationship between a man and a woman was designed with 'victory' as a plan. The relationship is designed to bring more joy and help either person acquire more from life as a 'team' but because there is no real education beyond 'opinions' of what works for one person, chaos ensues.

If we add the commitment from past generations 'to stick to together and press on' to the exciting possibilities that we allow ourselves today in life (which past generations didn't believe they could have)... we have a real opportunity to live a rich life and die satisfied that we have no regrets.

Before you swallow anything about relationships, remember that just because someone has a 'workable' solution in a relationship does not mean it is the truth for everyone. You are unique and so is your relationship and if you maintain the 'natural needs of your gender' you will flourish in your own individual needs, namely:-

• as a woman, show appreciation, love and caring;
  
  
• as a man, provide a sense of security and protection.

The same goes for your friendships and working relationships; men, become your natural self and women likewise.

All the rest is simply an opinion and you don't have to swallow it! If you and your partner are unique individuals and there is no one remotely like either of you, how can another person's idea of a 'relationship' fit you too??? If you are not happy the place to look is your communication of your needs and how loving you present them!

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